


Logan's Harmful Steps

by Robin1103



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Addiction, Other, Pain, Rituals, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-25
Updated: 2018-09-14
Packaged: 2019-05-28 16:39:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15053435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Robin1103/pseuds/Robin1103
Summary: Logan is a self harmer. His addiction came in steps.





	1. Chapter 1

At first he is curious, he hears Thomas’ friends warn against it. They whisper the words like they are poison, “Self harm” ghosts across their lips and Logan.. well like he said he is curious.

He drives Thomas to learn more about self harm, asking things like why and how and who and where? Somehow he knows not to tell the others it’s him doing this, not Virgil. They chalk it down to fear and suspicion. Thinking that if they knew about it they’d recognize if one of their friends was in danger. That that was why Thomas seemed so interested. Logan lets them believe it, there’s no need for them to interfere.

But soon Thomas grows tired of the endless reading about cuts and bruises and thinking. The articles always mention the thinking. Describing it as a downward spiral of negative thoughts. They say self harm is an addiction, a poison, a persistent companion that never truly leaves you. And oh.. they also say that the addiction and need to self harm affects the thinkers most often.. Logan’s most definitely curious now. Idly he wonders what it’ll feel like.

-

The second step is giving in to the idea.. for whichever reason. Logan’s is curiosity. He’s read so much about this, it’ll be easy.

After all, how will curiosity be sated without practicality?

That’s what Logan tells himself as he holds the knife above his bare shoulder. He also tells himself that it’ll be this once, it’s just an experiment.. he doesn’t want to actually do this.

He presses down and bites back a groan of pain, feeling trickles of blood rise up from broken skin.. there’s a buzz? He shouldn’t be doing this, this is illogical, and yet there is also a small want to keep going.. he refrains, once is enough for him and he doesn’t want to become addicted.

He pulls his shirt back on and discards the knife in a drawer of his, it can’t used now. He feels accomplished somehow. Logan soon dismisses the event from his mind, only remembering it when he moves his left shoulder. It almost seems to burn.

-

It doesn’t take long for him to do it again. Precisely two weeks, one day and two hours pass before he finds himself hovering around the drawer. His hand is ghosting the handle as his mind positively whirls.

This is.. wrong, he knows that as he takes the knife out of the drawer, yet he bites his lip as a gleeful noise threatens to escape him. Curiosity makes him giddy.

He unbuttons his shirt and pulls the collar aside, resting cool metal upon his shoulder. He takes a moment then presses down and drags the blade across his skin. His shoulder burns. Sharp pain flares up and he moans in pain before twisting his head to watch the blood trickle.

For now, he is sated. He feels his mind calm, ever so slightly. The blood almost looks.. promising. He wonders how long it will be until he feels like this again, maybe he should start to keep a journal..

-

The third step for him is.. quiet obsession. He grows engrossed in reading, articles and articles of knowledge and myths and methods, all about self harm. He’s given up on resisting any urges, caving into them. Soon his body grows riddled with scars but he’s not stupid enough to place them where anyone may see. He’s not sure if it’s fear that drives him or warped protectiveness.. this is his project.

Logan finds a new ritual in picking the scabs that form upon the cuts that are healing. He’s pretty sure none of them are healing healthily but he doesn’t mind. He ignores anything that isn’t critical in favor of research, he needs to know more. He wants to do it again, the urges come in waves. He’s not sure how he grew so fixated so easily but he can’t go back now, daily he feels his skin itch as he goes about his business.

His mind wanders all the time. He’s thinking all the time, it never ends. He thinks of objects that could hurt, objects that could impale and bruise and cut. He can’t hold a glass without his mind spinning him a daydream of his skin breaking apart under it’s sharp touch. It won’t go away, none of it will. This is more than simple curiosity now.

Part of him registers that the daydreams shouldn’t be so easily dismissed by him.. but a bigger part of him focuses on the insatiable curiousness that begs him to do it some more. He wants to see himself bloody and bruised, even more so than he’s already been. Cutting isn’t enough, it’s boring, he’s tired of it. His mind flares ever brighter and begs for more.

He doesn’t want this to go too far.. though he’s not sure if he is in full control of the urges right now. It certainly doesn’t seem like it, with the way he is scrambling to fulfill them but he tells himself that that doesn’t matter. As long as he is alive things are fine. They have to be fine.

-

The fourth part is acceptance.. He is a self harmer, evident by his own body.

He looks at the evidence, looks at himself, in the mirror. Scars wrap around his shoulders and thighs, they are pale and clustered together mostly. He likes to layer them, neat and precise scars. Only a few stand out, angry red lines against his skin.

His eyes drift to a purple blotch on his arm, he’d crashed into a door days ago and the bruise had finished forming. Strangely it’s mesmerizing.. A deep purple mottled with yellow. His mind spins him a fantasy of himself but blotchy and bruised.. How different that would be to cutting. He pushes the thought aside realizing he would have to hit himself and that was so.. brutish. Logan isn’t a brute.

He is happy with his knife.

-

It’s not until he’s trapped in a room with the others does he realize how bad it’s gotten. His skin crawls, he wants to run out of this room and to his own. He feels off and too hot his hands clench into fists and his nails from crescent dents in his palms, but it’s not enough.. He stands and stammers out an excuse before running to his room, to his knife.

The blade glides over his too hot skin and he feels tears well up in his eyes. This hurts but the burning need hurts more when ignored.. His hands shake, the knife swerves and a burning curved line is cut into him. He gasps and feels angry shame rise up.. He can’t even cut himself correctly.

Sighing in disgust, he throws the knife by his bed before collapsing onto it and letting himself cry.. What is he doing?

He curses his curiosity and himself, he curses the knife and his scars and the past few months. Most of all he curses addiction and burning skin and blood.

It started with curiosity.. It ends with hopelessness


	2. He's fine (ignore the blood)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Random ass chapter. I wrote this to vent.

He could say he's fine, but he's lying. The blood stained razor clutched in his hand proves that. He knows he's lying, but what matters is that the others don't know. They can't know. 

His shoulders ache.  
There are angry dark red slashes that stretch across his skin.  
His head aches.  
There are blackended stains on his mind from the doubts that eat away at his self worth.  
He aches.  
His entire body thrums with pain.

It's not enough.  
He's still falling apart inside. Still so broken that his cleverness means nothing. Everything he does goes against logic. He would be angry if he wasn't so tired. Logan's so tired, he wants to crawl into the void and sleep forever. 

His shirt is on the floor, stained with crimson. He wears black at all times, he's thankful for that choice. 

He pretends he doesn't imagine someone finding out. Pretends he doesn't feel fear and hopelessness at those thoughts. Pretends he doesn't know just how harmful this is. What's one cut, right?

He wraps the stained blade in tissue and tucks it away safely. He pretends that that doesn't feel like acceptance. He throws himself into his bed and pretends he's not crying as he wills himself to fall to sleep. He's getting better at acting.


End file.
